Come on yaar! Let's totally balle balle!

Awhile back I went to Har's and we watched a bunch of Indian movies. Well, mostly clips of Indian movies but we did watch all of "Bunty Aur Babli." How I lived my life without this movie before I saw it, I really have no idea. It was the perfect blend of cheese and song (keep in mind that I have willingly watched Beauty and the Beast about 30 times. Yes, I suck) and it also left me with that warm tingly feeling that I thought only Disney, or "Touched By An Angel," would ever be capable of creating. I also had Indian food for the first time in my entire life (I know! What took me so long?) and found out that, while nearly all racial stereotypes are untrue, the myth of Delhi Belly and the ring of fire does indeed exist for the white man on his first venture into Indian cuisine.

But before the indigestion (which, by the way, has not deterred me from wanting more Indian food. I'll get used to it, I promise) came the movies, and Har's mom was more than willing to help explain the Indian culture to me.

"Most Indians don't celebrate Christmas. Did you know that," she calmly explained to me. I smiled and pretended to be enlightened while Har scoffed, "Mom! Of course he knows that!" It made me wonder what kind of idiot white people Har's mom has had to deal with before. Of course, maybe she thought I was an idiot white person because she must have thought that all the Hindi talking going on was distracting me from reading the English subtitles.

"Har, tell him what's going on! This is so hard to follow." Personally, I think I had a better hold on the plot than Har and her mom. There was singing and dancing and B-level acting, of course I did.

The Indian entertainment industry seemed so fun and fruitful and, while certainly cheese-ridden (but so is Hollywood: The Day After Tomorrow, anyone?) appeared to offer many interesting things. A few days later, when introduced to a Bollywood gossip page, I realized that it had far more to offer than I could ever have imagined.

Screw Paris Hilton and Angelina Jolie. Those bitches have nothing on what I like to call The Feud of the Beauty Queens. Thanks to L'Oreal, I'm sure many of you already know of Miss World 1994 Aishwarya Rai. What you didn't know is that she is having the world's biggest cat fight with Miss Universe 1994, Sushmita Sen! What makes it juicier is that Aishwarya, the so-called Indian jewel of the world movie scene, was dating this ridiculously abusive actor who was also some sort of raging alcoholic at some point and who takes his shirt off at every opportune moment. I always want to say that she's dating a married man now but that isn't true and filthy, gossip rumours like that shouldn't be spread. Anyway, my message to Aishwarya: You go, girl!

As for Sushmita, well apparently she's a gambler, and I don't mean in the Kenny Rogers sense. A director told everyone that she would stay up all night during filming, playing the slots and only sleep for 2 hours before filming the next day. Oh, then there is her pathetic dislike of alcohol. "I don't touch alcohol. I only drink a Coca Cola or a Thums Up: even if I take one drop of wine I'll drop down." We sorta believed you about the Coke and Thums Up, Sush, but adding the point about dropping down is a bit much. And if that is the truth, then there must be some other horrible secret about you. Like, maybe you eat babies or something. Speaking of babies, what I do love about Sushmita is that she is a single mom in India and that really breaks down some needed boundaries for women. My message to Sushmita: You go, girl! Hey, at least Sush isn't making out with her brother at awards ceremonies.

And, granted that most Bollywood stars can't act for anything onscreen, the denial they commit in interviews should earn them an Oscar.

Take Manisha Koirala, for instance. She's doing this interview and talking about how there is a double standard in Indian society since woman, on screen, are scantily clad and objects of desire but in real life are required to remain a model of virginity. "I refuse to lead a double life. I am what I am on the surface. Yes I party a lot, I have my friends, but that doesn't make me a coke addict." Um, where did the talk about coke come from? Guilty conscious, Manisha? Or maybe you're just pinning for the coveted 20th century Bollywood equivalent of Lady Macbeth with your protesting.

The best part, for me anyway, is that Bollywood is like this film industry equivalent to the inbreeding of French royalty in the 16th and 17th centuries. You can't make it in Bollywood unless your parent is some famous actor or director already, so you're better off to increase your star power by sleeping with your famous cousin as well. But, I promise I'm not judging, they can fornicate and snort away. I should be careful in my love of this gossip though; I really don't feel like becoming the gay counterpart to slightly overweight, middle-aged aunties who sit around and gossip about celebrities as well as the new Indians who own the shop down the street. Har, you've created a monster...